Worry, fear, anxiety. Some of the few traits that I dont really enjoy having. I don’t want to embrace them but they embrace me anyhow. I’m scared of the road ahead. I’m afraid of losing out. Afraid to let go. Scared to give up. Terrified I might slip and fall.
I’m sorry.. If I am always persuading. I’m sorry, for not compromising. No matter how hard I try, I still feel the need to spend every time I have left. Another opposite.
I know it’ll get harder. It’ll be tougher. But I am aiming for that promise you made me. So I’ll bare with you, with the circumstance. As you will have to do with me. Just to get there. I hope we’ll make it.
It seems to me that I tend to get into people’s bad books nowadays. I should stop socializing.
That sucky feeling when you want to help but is incapacitated, so people go for the next thing.
Today, is February the 14th. To me it is like any other days, but to most it is the day to celebrate love. Today, is Valentine’s day, where lovers go out and celebrate one’s life in the other. Very romantic indeed. How does one get a lover? What is a lover? Is it girlfriend or boyfriend? Is it a spouse? A partner? A soulmate even? How do you determine one is a lover?
Maybe I am wrong. A lover is apparently someone who you have an affair with for people with spouses. So what exactly is love? Lust, romance, compatibility, respect, compassion, infatuation, familiarity? Love is a person who makes your heart beats faster, who holds your hand while you’re undergoing chemo the same way when you cross the road, someone who is still tucks your hair behind your ear and whispers to you telling you’re beautiful after 40 years together, someone who you cannot stand to be with and yet lost when you’re without. Or is it?
Subjective, I cannot even begin to define what love is. But understanding it, I think, takes two mature people and a lot more. How does a person admit to loving one while secretly developing a crush on another? Why do people cheat and who exactly is the one to be blamed? Come to think about it, there are cases where cheating is inevitable and where hearing both sides to the story complicate matters rather than help in understanding it better.
I’ve heard stories of people cheating, maybe I’ve been guilty of it. But nothing is more worse when a spouse cheats on the other. Especially when there’re children. It never goes well. Even Cinderella had it rough with her step family and her parents are dead. Imagine if they are actually divorced. I’m telling you, she’ll be screwed up for life and probably won’t even marry prince charming out of fear. For herself and her future children.
Entering into a marriage is not something you play with. The reason you enter into one is to live with the person you love and cherish and respect for the rest of your life. It takes a lot of sacrifices, a lot of courage and maturity to go into it. Why am I saying all this? I’m not even married.
Because I see my parents. After all that, i shouldn’t even be trusting men. Or love for that matter. But after 20years, I’m lucky enough to be introduced to a person that I think has got it figured out. I don’t want a man who goes through life as it is. I don’t want him to rely on people too much because I would need to depend on him someday. I need a man, not a boy. A gentleman, not a douche. Someone that can respect me as much as I respect him and acknowledges me as a person and not his property.
I’m not letting go.
So you there, treat me well. I promise I’ll do the same.
I’m trying to build up my respect towards you, but all you do is keep tearing them down. I’ve always thought I was wrong, that I never gave you a chance you deserve, so I gave in. I started believing again. But just when I thought things are getting better, you prove me wrong again. What are you? How are you able to do so much to hurt people? Love, is always unconditional. But respect, I can’t. You’re supposed to be my hero. But I am disappointed repeatedly. I don’t have one anymore.
I expect too much from you. I don’t know if I’m wrong for expecting or you never delivered your end.
You should know that I can’t follow you because I won’t follow someone that I do not respect. I’m 23 now, as much as I’d like to be daddy’s girl, we’re just too different. Our paths are different. You chose yours, now I’m going through mine.
For once in your life, grow up and be a man. Not some pompous, obnoxious overgrown boy.
I think more than I do. I think I have to stop thinking and start doing more. What say you?
There’re a thousand and one things I wish I had not done that happened as it is meant to. They came with a choice but whatever it is, there’s no way of telling which was right and which was wrong. The only certain thing about the outcome was that it leads me to where I am today. I won’t say they are the best decisions made since they haunt my nights, making me re-evaluate why this and not that. And a million times over the scenes replay and makes me rethink the choices I made. Choices I made are what I will to happen but these choices that may or may not affect the course of our lives are also heavily dependent on the choices of others. This is His masterpiece. We can only plan but of He wills otherwise, then otherwise it shall be.
I don’t plan on staying friends. That’s probably the best choice I can make. But, conveniently, until further notice, we have to. Unfortunately for me. And most likely, you too. I’ve never been so insincere in my 23 years of living as I am now.